Heaven & Hell

Heaven and hell are states of consciousness that we experience in this lifetime. I have seen the hell and I am now walking the stairway to heaven. I invite you to join me... The Hell: Every single day was a cold, dark, and rainy day. There was no purpose and no point to anything in life. I felt like the only lost person in the world. I felt so incredibly alone, yet nobody's presence made me feel any better. I couldn’t look at anybody in the eyes. My self chatter around others was excruciating. “They think I’m disgusting, they know I’m a failure, and they can’t wait to get away from me” are just some of the never-ending ruminations I would experience. Nothing could take me out of my negative thoughts for more than a few seconds. I felt no love or passion for anything or anybody. My limbs, joints, and muscles ached and my body felt as if it was 300lbs and that it could not carry me for much longer. Everything and everyone made me angry or made me want to cry. I only lived in the past and in the future. In the past I was a failure, there was no world of possibilities in the future, and there was no such thing as the present. “When will the agony end?” - is a question I would ask myself over and over. My thoughts had a heaviness to them, to the point where I had to squint my eyes in absolute agony. I was a scared little boy, desperate to find his home and desperate to find some love. I was in the realm of hungry ghosts, with a small mouth and an insatiable stomach. If heroin was a phone call away I would have made that phone call. I was in complete disassociation from my body, from my soul, and this reality. I felt like a stranger to myself and looking at the mirror would make me sick. I would look at the television, but I was never actually watching, for I was just lost in suicidal thought. I would look at people, even the homeless, in absolute jealousy for they had their sanity; and I would have traded places with them in a heartbeat.  I would watch people get excited about a meal or something simple, only to cry inside in self-pity for I could not relate to their simplicity. My body did not want to eat anything, for it was only further feeding the disease.  Just like the parasites that invaded my gut, I only knew how to take - money, objects, energy, etc. - and had no space to give. “Wherever you go, there you are” is a concept I learned the hard way over and over and over again. No ocean, mountain, or fresh bed of grass could help me escape. I just wanted to turn off, shut off, and never wake up. My heart would palpitate and my body would sweat as the panic crept in. When it came, my life became one hour at a time: “Don’t kill yourself until 3pm Josh, just make it to 3pm... Okay Josh you made it to 3pm, now just make it to 4pm.” I would drink an entire tincture of passionflower, down some phenibut, and lay in the fetal position on my bathroom floor praying and begging for the hell to end... The Heaven: The mind is quiet. Sometimes it chimes in, so you thank it, love it, and move back to the moment. The present takes on a zen-like quality, with every movement and every thought flowing with ease. The carpet feels amazing under your bare feet. Your body is light. You are present with every breath, feeling your belly move up and down. The warm, powerful, and seductive vibration of love is flowing through you and you can feel it in any body part that you focus on, but it generally lives in the belly. Your eyes and skin glow with joy, well-being, and compassion, a quality that others around you unconsciously flock to. Just like in physics and electricity, lower frequencies always try to meet the higher ones. The future carries a world of infinite possibilities, but you don’t dwell too much knowing that you are safe, protected, and that the universe works slowly. You can only remember positive memories of the past, and anything that once seemed negative suddenly has such significance in the grand tapestry that is life. The connection to nature is magnificent, as the plants and trees feel so alive, almost as if they are talking to you. The birds are communicating with each other, and you can feel at every second of the day that there is something greater to this madness that we call life. You can feel that we are so insignificant, that we know so little, and that we are almost video game characters in a video game. Synchronicities happen throughout the day at an astounding rate; you know who is going to call you seconds before they call. You know what somebody is going to say before they say it. Your intuition and connection to the divine is strong. You realize quickly that we have been lied to about psychic abilities, and it seems probable that we all have unlocked and suppressed superpowers, just like X-Men. Because of what you have been through, your gaze pierces through the souls around you. Sometimes you have to put sunglasses on, for you can’t handle the intensity of your own gaze, just like Cyclops. With every little action comes a little bit of joy. The simple removal of trash off the floor of your bedroom provides you with a respective boost of dopamine. You want to give this gift to everyone, but when you try too hard, you lose the gift. You love everyone. Everything is beautiful. The sun is incredible, the rain is soothing, and the snow is magical. How the fuck can everything be beautiful? You carry a compassion for those who suffer, and start to feel just how traumatized we all are. It hurts a lot to feel the human condition from the other side. How can there be pain in heaven? Oh yes there is most certainly pain in heaven, but the relationship to pain changes. Sometimes, in your most joyous of moments, there is an equal amount of pain existing - the yin and the yang.  The pain of humanity, the pain of your past, the pain of all the lies, deceit, and manipulation and the pain for all those who do not know. Do not know that there is more. Do not know that they are made of love and light. The pain is there but you are not scared of it. You exist, and the pain exists. You are not the pain. You are love. Anything is possible. Never give up. Josh Macin


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